Her Blood, Sweat & Tears

\=

2010-05-19T00:23:00.001+08:00

If I don't hear from him for one day, I get kinda agitated, coz I don't know if he's safe or something. His mom doesn't know about us, so what will happen if he dies or something eh.

On a sidenote: managed to NOT RAGE at ppl today during L4D2.

2010-05-15T23:45:00.001+08:00

So, like, I haven't been blogging much. Been really busy. Popo passed away. Kinda sad. idk how to describe. I miss her cooking, that's as much as I can say.

Work's tiring, but good. didn't get as much pay as I'd hope to, but I think it's a good start.

Have to consider that I may be dropping out of SMU soon. Well, I'll be JUST like you, at least. And then I'll know how you feel etc.

Just feeling really emo coz he's not there for me right now. Physically, I mean. And I miss him so much, but it feels like he doesn't want to see me. And when I see my friends doing stuff together etc etc, I just can't help but to wonder..how come we aren't like that?

New job

2010-04-17T11:24:00.000+08:00

So like I'm really excited about my new job.

I've already packed all the tools I bought to practice with into the make-up brush kit. All fits perfectly, even the rolling pin. Wahahahaha. X))))

Got my nails trimmed (pulled off the one that broke) and then gonna get my hair done later

Eyelashes extension

2010-04-13T16:26:00.002+08:00

Did my very first eyelash extension at Min's Beauty Studio, Chinatown Point #2-13. Very nicely done. X))))

Pictures on Facebook!

2010-03-31T15:13:00.001+08:00

Remember what we spoke about expectations?

You stupid girl.

Update

2010-03-30T13:21:00.000+08:00

★MAY@
Class - S6
Title - Wangan Beginner
Outruns - 3300+
Mileage - >82, 000km+
Current loop - 13th
Ghosts - 1000+

Transferred to DX+. Now waiting.

Hopeful

2010-03-30T13:11:00.000+08:00

I hope I get the job with CLC!!

Recently...

2010-03-19T10:58:00.002+08:00

Been really busy with school.

I said the 3 words to him on that fateful night. For the record, I've never said it verbally out loud to anyone before.

Going for a modelling thing, hope I get my cake deco job. Planned out something small for his birthday - hope he likes it, coz I really no money to do much =/

IT Show + Body Shop Sale

2010-03-14T16:42:00.000+08:00

Overall, bf and I spent:

Roccat:
Kave - 169
Kone - 129 ( <3 this blinky mouse)

Steelseries:
Siberia V2 - 169

Bagman:
DSLR Pouch (to keep my headset + mouse, not for DSLRs) - 19
**was tempted to get a bag that was 80% discounted, but end up my bf buy for himself and said I could trade my Crumpler if I wanted

Following stuffs bought for friends/family:
WD Elements 500G 2.5" - 115
Brother Ink cartridges - 90.90
Lexmark Ink cartridges - 30.10

Random stuffs bought:
Body Shop - I don't have the receipts but I'm sure my bf and I spent at least 150 coz we went there for 3 days, and each day bought stuffs. We both are suckers for Body Shop stuffs >.>

Total: 872SGD. *goes and eats grass for the next 3 months*

Do I need to say anything else?

Intimidation

2010-03-13T16:04:00.002+08:00

I kinda realised a lot of guys out there do get intimidated by girls who have went to play at WCG before.

Whenever I mention that I played L4D competitively, they go like 'woaaaah'..and then silence. Then 'woaaaah' again or something like that. Same thing happens when I mention I'm a gamer.

But what I really dislike the most is:

- guys not inviting you to play casually with them, implying that "I don't want to play with SG 4th place..later lose..(lose to girl somemore)"

- guys saying that you cheat/screen others because you have a 5.1 speaker headset and can pinpoint where their boomer/noise-making infected is.

- guys who put you into the not-so-good team, and teaming up with the best of their group to play, and when they win, they make a big thing out of it. Like hello, some games are inherently TEAMWORK.

Thanks Baby for not being intimidated.

301th post

2010-03-05T08:59:00.001+08:00

Even as I thought about what I'd said in my previous post, I just realised I'm not in the position to say anything about you looking at other girls.

Sorry.

Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry

2010-03-05T01:55:00.002+08:00

Sorry that I don't have a body like hers.
Sorry that I don't have anything that look like her assets.
Sorry that I don't shave clean down there.
Sorry that I don't have nice clothes like her.

~

Sorry that I'm not daring to bare like her.
Sorry that I'm not as slutty as her.
Sorry that I'm not thin like her.
Sorry that you have to go see this kind of things instead.

Am I not good enough? But just an hour ago, I was talking to my best guy friend about what happened a few weeks ago - and know that I haven't even told you about it. I feel a shockingly strong stab of jealousy but what can I do right? A guy will be a guy. I'm not as pretty as her, nor as thin - and I know you'd like to hold a thin waist.

So maybe I'll go on diets, go do liposuction. But that won't change your nature. Maybe it'll change mine. But not yours. Because no one can really ever change our nature. It's what we're born with. It's what we're born to.

Looking is not the same as doing. Of course I know that. It's one of the rules of this game, isn't it?

Tattoo

2010-03-02T16:07:00.003+08:00

Gonna get a tattoo of angel wings on my back. Yes yes, I've been advised it's too big for a 1st time tattoo but I've already been thinking about this in a long time.

Why am I getting this?That's how/what I feel. Especially now when Baby and I are not feeling too good.

When I needed you

2010-02-24T02:28:00.000+08:00

Emo. Can't sleep. What else is there to say?

2010-02-14T01:36:00.002+08:00

"What if next time I get sent overseas or both of us work full-time then cannot see each other as often?"

Well, you've already experimented for the answer. *bitter laugh* That was what I was trying to say just now. So why ask me the obvious again?

I know baby, it's hard for the both of us but I think we've kinda just about withstood the test of time and family and friends. So I don't know what else could bring us apart so drastically, apart from ourselves.

Let's believe in ourselves, okay?

V day 2010

2010-02-14T00:57:00.002+08:00

It wasn't much of a celebration. I still felt a bit awkward when he asked "Do you want me to stay?"

Of course I wanted him to stay. And I said so. And in the end he stayed even though he said he wanted to go off early.

Men. So mahfan.

Note to self: Men are straightforward creatures, because they've got too-thick skulls. Must zhi-jie tell them, then they will know.

Rawr. But sometimes it's nice for them to guess, and then us girls can do our "act-surprised" act.

Stupidity and Selfishness

2010-02-12T23:20:00.003+08:00

You stupid girl.

Why do you expect so much, when your first line of defense against heartache is "Don't expect too much"?

You stupid girl.

It's so ironic that society today teaches us to expect more of ourselves, and then here she is, trying her best to not expect so much from her relationship, so that she won't scare him away, or kill herself in the process.

You stupid girl.

And she was the one who said that "this one will be my last. If it doesn't work out, then no more. I can't take the heartache."

You stupid girl.

Why let yourself suffer so much?

You stupid girl.

Why tear and scream silently when he doesn't see or hear you?

You stupid girl.

Because I don't want to let him know how much it hurts. I'm disappointed, yes, but it's only because I expected too much from him. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much.

Maybe after chanting that I'll remember that I can't expect too much from a relationship, or else I'll end up hurting myself and him again.

I always hurt those who love me. Maybe it's an assumption, but at least I know I always hurt those close to me.

You stupid girl.

Blinded by Love

2010-02-12T09:50:00.003+08:00

Once, there was a blind girl. No one liked her very much. No one except her boyfriend. And she loved him back so much, she would always tell him, "I would marry you, if I had my sight."

One day, the girl got a donation of a pair of eyes. After the operation and recovery, she gained full sight and opened her eyes, only to find that her boyfriend was blind. He then asked her, "Will you marry me now?"

Now, that's all lovey-dovey because I HOPE you know that it was the boyfriend who donated his eyes to her. However, you should have read the first paragraph and known that the girl was a shallow bitch.

Here's the ending of the story:
The girl rejected him on the spot, and the guy stood there as she walked away. Heartbroken, he said softly, "Then take good care of my eyes for me."

I kinda feel like the shallow bitch in this story. But I'm glad for what's been going on around me, especially with Baby around.

Happy Valentines Day, Baby.

Funny huh, I last time never celebrate V day simply because no one celebrate with me (if got bf, bf busy, or else no bf or else all cbf..). But now when I got someone I really love and cherish..We don't know how to celebrate it.

MX15 Alienware

2010-02-09T09:26:00.002+08:00

It's at least 1.5k T.T - That's the US price. Of course, I get to do more customization. I especially like the laser-engraving thing.

The SG price is about 1.7k. Lesser customization =/

The XPS is so much more expensive =/

No Expressions

2010-02-08T08:54:00.002+08:00

My tears don't fall
They crashed around me.
Steadily they poured
2 hours through the night

I can only remember that fateful night, and I realise no matter how strong I make myself out to be, I still feel the pain as if it happened, as if it was happening over again. And I realise that I still haven't gotten over it. The pain still lingers, the rain of tears continues.

Won't you listen to what I'm really trying to say?
My tears are filling up my glasses.
No expressions, no expressions.

If I were to leave you today, would you passively accept it, berating yourself, blaming yourself? Or would you come back to me and maybe, once and for all tell me what I really want to hear?

Set the person you love free.
If he comes back to you
Then it's meant to be.

I wish you were here, but at the same time, I know that I can't be too possessive, that I must let you enjoy yourself with your friends as well. It's the latter that's killing me. I don't want to hold you back - indeed, I can't be too restrictive.

And those times when I was sick, I am grateful that you sent me home, but being the stupid, selfish girl that I am, I kept wishing so hard, so very hard that you'd stay and accompany me, even when I fall asleep - because that's what I really wanted. To fall asleep knowing that you're there. Maybe, to you, it was a waste of time, but either way, it broke my heart, because I don't want to hold you back, but I don't want to let you go too, sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing outside, behind a glass window, watching you live your life. And you know what? The funny thing is: I'm actually somewhat glad to be like a guardian angel for you, to watch over you, to protect you, to love you. Maybe I'm not supposed to love anyone forever, but I'm here on this Earth to care and love someone for an interval of time, to show him what it means to love, so that he can truly love the one that's destined to be with him.

But baby, I want you to know, that I would never forget you.

I don’t even know where it’ll end up, but I’ll send you my love and trust that it will reach you - Realize by Nami Tamaki

TRD reunion dinner

2010-02-07T11:58:00.001+08:00

Had a great time with the TRD ppl at the yearly reunion dinner at Straits Cafe at Hotel Rendevous. Food was awesome. Baby and I stuffed ourselves =D

Hmm

2010-02-02T10:06:00.002+08:00

Okay, so I haven't been posting a lot.

Updates!

Bar flairing = painful hands (probably aggravated my CTS butttt I felt that I could spam buttons much more easily XD

Brownie baking = fun. Except for the eggs and cheese part. A lot of people liked it. So I hope that I can get the job at CLC =D

Baby came after work yesterday and we had a nice dinner at the kebab place at Paradiz/Peace centre, then had some dessert. I really miss going out with him and stuff X) Then went to dbg to play some button-mashing game and wangan.

Upcoming events..
6th Feb - TRD reunion dinner, Wangan compy. For the dinner, I guess I'll be wearing smart casual + RHS. It'll be fun! =D Wangan compy...no idea =/

eh =/ Can't remember anything else since I don't have my organizer with me. I hope to l4d soon. Haven't played it in a month, I think.

Flairing and Baking weekend

2010-01-30T14:14:00.002+08:00

Gonna be learning how to bar flair today (Saturday). Bascially, bar flairing is the fancy stuff bartenders do, you know..the toss here toss there. Apparently, they say that if you can juggle, you should be able to flair well. I hope I can make it, coz I haven't been practicing my juggling and whadaya know, this morning when I picked up my juggling balls, I could still juggle, but it wasn't as smooth as before. Damnit.

On Sunday, I hope that Pink will be able to make it and come to my house for baking =D I mean, I kinda haven't seen her for a bit, and I'm guessing she might wanna get away from all that weekly Sunday drama..yup.

Can't wait for it!

Nothingless

2010-01-19T08:53:00.003+08:00

I have nothing important to blog about.

Just that I felt kinda sian towards the end of the outing with the girls on Sunday. Feet were hurting and he said something to me that made me feel terrible. Maybe coz we argued the night before or something and it was still affecting me.

Gonna be seeing some cats around DBG today. =/

Epilation

2010-01-11T21:04:00.002+08:00

Ouch.

Epilated my legs today with help from darling. I got my revenge by doing his chinful of long hairs. Muwahahaha.

Also bought the ingredients needed for the brownies that will be baked on Thursday! Can't wait for it. Kinda worried that the cheese (if I'm gonna do some sort of mass production) will get really expensive. So ya =/

Found big bottles of my favourite (JQ's too eh) shampoo - Herbal Essence's Hydration (the blue bottle with coconut milk de). It's damn awesome.

Oh ya, just for the record, the first time JQ met me, he was thinking about how good my hair smelt. Only recently then he told me. =D

I'm supposed to include a few unglam quotes from JQ but luckily for him, I've forgotten what they are.

Sleepless

2010-01-10T13:00:00.000+08:00

Haven't been able to sleep early nowadays, even though the next day I need to wake up early.

=/

Don't know. Maybe I just miss sleeping beside him.

Emo. Disappointed. Can't even concentrate.

Only comfort is that I'm baking on the coming Thursday.

Iluma XD and other things that make me melt.

2010-01-08T02:01:00.003+08:00

Missed my Mac breakfast this morning X( not that I eat it everyday. Just thought I'd treat myself today. But end up nooooo. Sigh.

So after eating bwa-kwah sandwiched between bread, I chiong out of the house to meet Matt at Iluma. LOL. Watched him play SF4, then we went to play DJ Max Technika and DrumMania. Rawr! After that we went up to play SpinFever. hahahaha. Got the Jackpot again but payout was much worse, coz the coins so heavy. SIGH.

Then went around playing for tickets and stuff. Finally we got so hungry we wanted to eat Seoul Garden. Matt's friend didn't want, and we missed the student offer (4pm end =.=) so we went to the Tian Tian Huo Guo area to look around. Quite ex, and 2 ppl eat like very sian. So in the end we went to the Chilli Padi Nonya house to eat a 9.90 (GST + Service Charge included) buffet. Awesome. The fruit rojak etc XD Next time will bring Ma and Kong go.

Then Matt and I went to arcade, then I went Iluma play L4D till 9.45pm. The games were good. I felt I played really well. Maybe failed a bit as Infected but overall =/ And I think I memorised the escape route for Dark Carnival, at least.

Rushed to get the fried golden mushroom for JQ but it was sold out. So rushed to Macs and got nuggets and twister fries. Awesome. Reached Redhill, then JQ said that he might as well walk me to the 111 bus stop and then take a bus home from my place =/ Kinda touched!

And this is what brings me to the main point of why I'm blogging now. We ate the cold food (unfortunately XD) at my house void deck - like refugees, eh. Then after that I just talk about my day etc. Then he dun let me send him off. ANOTHER THING I LOVE ABOUT HIM *melts* He sent me up to my house instead.

OKAY MAIN POINT IS: That he still sends me home even when it's so late and he has work the next day (albeit LATE AND 3 HOURS ONLY). And he still sends me off so long into our relationship. It's gonna be like, a year in 3 months or so.

I know you may have read it from before in my blog last time
But I just want you to know that it's okay to not send me home sometimes.
But of course, I love it when I can spend more time with you,
and when you send me home, that's what I really enjoy.
Of course, it earns you brownie points too, eh XD
Love you.

There. I've finally said it. Do you think it's the right time now? =)

New Year's

2010-01-01T17:25:00.002+08:00

So New Year's Eve was spent rather slackily.

Slacked for the earlier half of the day, after which went to DBG (w00tz. Lots of stars! around 30) and then met up with JQ. We went for a dinner at Fish and Co. at the Glass House. Pretty nice but it was really cold and noisy. We were shivering after eating our food..so there goes our idea of camping there till 11pm XD

After we left, the weather was balmy and pretty nice. Went back to DBG, found a POSB to get some cash drawn (with pencil and paper, of course) then waited for a bus to Bugis. Of course, we were both really full and I didn't want to perspire. Lol he asked me about my RHS..yes, I was tempted to wear them out on NYE but my feet might not have made it.

At Iluma, we went to Colosseum first to just have a look see and see if we could be tempted to play L4D2 there. Of course, I wanted to play TF2 too XD but that's a story for another day. Went to play at the Whoosh arcade instead. And what do we always play there but SpinFever? This time we camped for SpinFever first, then got the regular couple there (the girl is pretty, and it always looks like they have a lot of fun) at SF2. So we waited at SF1. Yucks. Me not like to play after an old uncle has played the game sia. =/ *shudder*

Then sian, got one aunty camping for the uncle's place also. So we shifted to another machine thinking they were finishing soon. WRONG. zzz half bucket full of coins under their seat =.=

Then when the regular couple left SF2 machine 1, got another couple sit down there. Kaoz, about 6 balls lor. Then they down 3. They didn't wait for their fever game (coz the other machine kept the Fever game for very long) and then they left (and left us some tickets that they didn't want) Of course, the minute JQ and I sat down, the fever game started and at least 10 dollars worth of coins came out. GG. We used our own coins at first, hoping that maybe we'd spot the couple again so we can pass to them but nooo they left liao. LOL.

So with 20 dollars we played the entire night. And yes. OMG. We tio the jackpot. I think the guy opposite us was really dulan/pissed coz he sat there earliest. LOLx =X So ya, I was damn happy. We won 500+ coins out of 1589 payout. Not too bad. 1/3 winnings. Then I spent about 150 trying to play Fever game and coax a jackpot again (which we got a chance at, but 200 medals only zzz) so yup.

Oh ya, 12mn came so I gave JQ a kiss. LOL. First kiss of the new year. Then we rush out only to catch the last few bursts of fireworks. =.= But ya, Iluma's not a bad place to catch the fireworks. Can see a bit only, but what we could see is brilliant coz we're so close. =D

Now NYD and I'm slacking at home, hoping for a L4D game. WORRIED ABOUT PINKRIBBONS.

X'mas gathering and etc

2009-12-30T11:03:00.000+08:00

So like we finally had our Klique's X'mas gathering! =D Quite enjoyed myself although I didn't feel very well. Had some stomach problems. =/ But overall, I think everyone enjoyed themselves. Pasta, pizza, condensed milk fondue (read: white chocolate) FTW.

Got my epilator! Thanks so much guys =D

~

On another note: I just woke up from a dream - it was kinda scary, and depressing. Coz I was playing with kittehs at a bus stop, then suddenly Joey came up, looking as if he was waiting for a bus, then he saw me.

Oh and because I was reading a guide on casino games (heheheheh) before I fell asleep, I think I dreamt of a building a hotel on an island that I owned. I remembered that the beach had a nice cove, protected by rocks. The colour of the water was a nice deep blue - but it was deepened because of the storm clouds gathering. T.T

~

Gonna test out the theories in the casino games soon. On SpinFever, naturally XD

Coward.

2009-12-28T03:02:00.002+08:00

Coward. Coward. Coward.

That's me.

Where was the old me, the one who proclaimed her feelings like there's no tomorrow?

"See la...now you make me sound like..."

"haha! Ya la, I know la." Coz love you mah.

-silence, then some grunts and chuckles-

"sigh"

"why sigh leh? Still thinking about the ball game?"

"No la..."

"Ya la! Ball ball"

"No la...really k. No."

~

Unhappiness. And I can't sleep. FREAK. It's 3am liao. zzzzz

Damn

2009-12-23T01:30:00.000+08:00

We argued. Again. Over money. Again.

DAMN FUCKING IT.

stressful IH =/

2009-12-18T22:50:00.002+08:00

Damn stressful.

1. I was separated from my dear Pink.
- Fine, I give her to Mag for the game XD

2. I was in a team with 2 ppl who I had chemistry with, and 1 person with no chemistry..well, not much to say the least.
- A lot of mistakes, coupled with miscommunication.
- NM3 - go left, go right. GG. 1 incapped, 3 dead by toys.
- NM4 - Bad mistakes - pipe + molo = gg. zzz
- NM5 - My sucky tank. ZZZ.

Overall lost by 50+ points.

STRESSED.

Cover blown though. DAMNIT T.T

And so I realised...

2009-12-17T12:17:00.003+08:00

...that I've been kinda shallow in this blog. But that's not what I wanted to blog about today.

Ever since JQ came along, I haven't really been looking at any other guys. Oh you know me - the kinda like "woah, he's kinda cute. EYE CANDY." Kinda thing. Nope. Honest to God, I haven't had that kind of "affliction of crush-love" thing.

So yeah, I'm pretty glad. Coz it was exactly this sorta thing that caused my other relationships to be unstable. I think I'm really happy with JQ, no matter the ups and downs that we've had.

But right now...I feel that I'm on unstable ground again. I could never feel for the other guy...not in the same way as I feel for JQ. And I know he's just...sort of using me.

=/ I don't know how to explain. Too complicated. Sigh.

Back to Bejewled Blitz.

WUT

2009-12-14T23:49:00.003+08:00

T.T

So apparently my maxi coins outnumber my ghost wins by 60-70.

Now instead of having 20 ghosts wins to level up, I have about 80. T.T Need to recalculate everything now, I guess. SIGH. Big sigh.

Today went out to escape home, then in the end JQ kenna locked out of his office and since everyone took a day off, he decided to sorta self-declare holiday also, and came to find me. We went to Vivocity to look at some things that I wanted to get as presents for the Klique.

Managed to get some stuff - as usual we spent a lot of time at Daiso. I was tempted to play at bit of Wangan at Vivo, just to get some stars, but there was nobody playing VS. Got one guy got renameable RX8 - one of the recent batch ones..not really interested.. Plus can tell he couldn't really play well. But his gf/friend is like, so paikia looking, so I thought better not lo. Plus I think JQ and I were very tired already so ya, we went off soon.

We also had Soup Spoon. I think he kinda liked it, though it might not be too filling for him. Kinda glad to have spent the day with him. =)

And I found out what Space or Blade was. XD yey!

No feelings...

2009-12-11T17:46:00.002+08:00

...just kinda looking at my grades now. Kinda suck.

Sigh. Emo? Not enough sadness or CBF-ness to really bother.

When he said he not coming I was kinda disappointed. That was early in the morning, maybe that's why my entire gameplay kenna affected.

But now he says he's coming =) I feel happy again =DDDD

2009-11-30T01:16:00.004+08:00

WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS WHEN YOU KNOW THAT I'M FEELING SO DOWN NOW?

IT'S SO HARD FOR ME TO DIRECTLY TELL YOU ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO TRUST YOU AGAIN, AND ALL YOU COULD JUST REPLY FELT SO COLD.

NOW I FEEL LIKE DYING, WHAT CAN YOU DO?

CABBING DOWN, WOULD IT HELP? I DON'T THINK SO. I WOULD RATHER YOU SAVE YOUR MONEY, BECAUSE I AM NOTHING. EVEN TO MYSELF, I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING, ANYMORE.

DO YOU REALLY KNOW WHAT IS WRONG?

ATTACK THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM TO SOLVE IT.

MAYBE I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT TO LOVE. NEITHER TO GIVE, NOR TO RECEIVE. OR MAYBE I'M JUST TOO JADED TO KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CARE FOR ME, AND I CAN'T RECIPROCATE.

MAYBE IF YOU SCRATCH BENEATH THE SURFACE, YOU'LL KNOW HOW I REALLY FEEL.

Advice: scratch harder.

Sweet irony from MSN buddy: There is no restart in life no matter what happens. There will always be somethings that will remind you of the past.

2009-11-28T00:38:00.000+08:00

Am I not enough for you?

We missed a chance.

Was it because of the blue, red, purple and gold?

I'd never know.

But I still miss you.

And it breaks my heart to know what you're doing right now.

I Miss You

2009-11-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.
- Incubus

OMG X(

2009-11-26T23:26:00.001+08:00

★MAY@
Class - S7
Title - Unrelenting
Outruns - 3100+
Mileage - 82, 000km+
Current loop - 13th
Ghosts - 900+

Like omg. X(((((( changed my title by accident. Well, I guess the C1 Maya chapter now can be closed. Time to be UNRELENTING!!

Update

2009-11-25T11:20:00.001+08:00

★MAY@
Class - S7
Title - C1 Maya
Outruns - 3100+
Mileage - 75, 000km+
Current loop - 11th
Ghosts - 900+

Soon. If I can be bothered to play my ghosts. Soon.

You.

2009-11-24T23:17:00.000+08:00

If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you.
If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you...

I did, I do and I will.

L4D peeps gathering

2009-11-22T00:58:00.002+08:00

I had a great time with them =D

Decided to bring the corn salad + scallopini white sauce for pasta + fondue. Also decided to bring the Japanese peanut sauce (overkill =/) I made garlic spread the night before, and I'm glad that everyone ate a lot of that =D

We were supposed to meet up at 2pm, but =/ turns out I was the earliest...again =/ XDD I felt like going to the arcade but with the trolley bag...well, too bulky I guess. Plus, I was a bit tired and I didn't want any encounter with the regs there to dampen my day.

So I slacked at Macs till Mag and Pink came along =D lol Mag's hair really stands out XD saw his hair before I even saw them =X

After that, met up with Akira as well, and then headed off to the NTUC to grab the fresh food stuffs.

I think overall we did pretty well =D The food was great (pasta, soup, garlic bread, salad) if a bit too rich/heavy; the fondue could have been better though =/ IDK. The Aalst chocolate was really thick. For the entire box + a handful of the 55% chocolate couverture drops (Phoon Huat), I had to use 2 bars of cocoa butter (Phoon Huat's again) to ensure that it would actually START flowing. I had only 2 bars, else I would have put more. Note to self: Buy a lot of cocoa butter for x'mas party.

There was one part in which everyone stopped Wii-ing and started eating the chocolate. I think it was great =D It was like, heart-warming XD

After that I played Wii (Raving Rabbids)...awesome! I really like the idea of using both hands actively like that. I probably could buy the Wii and use it to work out at home =/

Many thanks to JQ who let me continue playing by going to wash up ^.^" I really appreciated that (my heart also kinda melted XD) he washed all the pieces because what I'd wanted to do was to simply wipe the excess chocolate off and then wash them when I reached home.

After that we cabbed home. I miss him. I really do. We hardly spend a lot of time together now, but I'm also really glad that he's pursuing something he likes. I wouldn't have it any other way =))))

Next big makan session should be at Mr. Paul's =X

Dusty...again

2009-11-17T12:25:00.002+08:00

Haven't updated in a long time. I just want to say that recently I think we've been spending lesser and lesser time together but I think we do cherish our time more now. I..don't really know what to do. Kinda living in a limbo where part of me is scared that if I don't see him often, my feelings for him will disappear; and the other part is just enjoying this 'not-really bf-gf' kinda feeling. You know, like, not a lot of commitment like that.

X'mas is coming up. I really MUST lose weight. X( Sigh.

Expectations

2009-11-01T00:30:00.000+08:00

Maybe what he (no, not HIM) said is true:

"Don't have too many expectations"

I was slightly more happy back when I didn't know if he wanted us to be a thing, and I treated him like a friend that I really liked a lot, and only had friendship expectations of him.

I must not expect too much X( Why does it hurt when I even think of that sentence?

Realization

2009-11-01T00:09:00.003+08:00

I just realized that ever since that day, I've stopped using those endearing words like 'dear, darling, sweet" in my texts to him.

And to think just a few days before that, he was remarking about me using such words more regularly in my texts, to which I replied saying that it was because I wanted to feel more comfortable with such words before saying them out loud.

I really don't know how I can..fully trust him again? Even when I text him, I fall into the rhythm of typing those words out, and then I stop myself and tell myself "you said you'd make it hard for this one, why are you so trusting again after he hurt you?"..and then I press the Clear button and delete the words.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe I'm not meant to love.

Maybe this is just another interval in my life. A long second, to know what it means to truly like someone and have that someone like you..straight from the start.

~

Yes, I'm emoing badly right now. He said something about Wangan that stung, and now..cleavage. Not that I feel I lack in that department - I just..=/

Suddenly I feel terrible. Good thing I pulled off the lashes already.

Nightmares

2009-10-30T09:09:00.001+08:00

Been having a lot of nightmares that wake me up extremely early in the morning.

I guess it's because of what happened last week. Sigh. The feelings are all so..real, even in the dreams.

Good game of L4D

2009-10-28T09:43:00.010+08:00

Had a very good game of L4D against the Blood D. ppl. Pubs vs a team and we won (BH3, heading to the building before the train area). I think our infected were pretty good (they didn't really cover well for each other too, and spawn spots were easy for us; their infected also didn't do us much dmg) We had a scare in BH5 also when the boomer caught us just as we were waiting for the tank to come. By then we were fighting our way out of the house trying to move to open space. Luckily for us, the tank didn't use the log that we ran near to, and I had a pipe to distract the horde.

Overall I like the way my team had that insta-chemistry: they didn't take a long time to cover each other, and while we didn't really communicate much, we used the Z & X commands to communicate with each other, like asking whether we are all ready to move and hurrying each other on.

We had that "rush" instinct like what Valent said a long time ago - when it's time to rush, we'd already be moving (there was one guy who lagged behind sometimes but he's good at covering others)

I felt I was the one talking the most...saying in BH5 start "I'll cover smoker on the left" and then the other guy was like "I'll cover your ass" LOLX

However, I realised that my Infected skills have dropped: no longer landing proper 25s, boomer not going very well (I think the other team covered Boomers very well). But being Smoker was average for me. Didn't do fantastic pulls, but I had my share of covering Smoker (with hunter) AND pulling one away so that the rest can help.

I remembered that in BH4 in the house just before the saferoom, there was a witch right at the 2nd floor, beside the steps (a bit out of sight so that you'd bump into her when turning to move up to the 3rd floor. It was scary because we heard a smoker (but I think he'd spawned at the wrong place) and we thought they would be waiting to ambush us with the witch, then the guy that I clicked with the most said he can go crown. Then I told him, better to go as a group, 2 crown (like the TeC ppl IIRC) and 2 ppl watch from the back. By the time we went up the stairs, the witch was already growling. I could only see her exposed back, so I just quickly crown because the horde was coming also. Then after that is a rush all the way. Had another scare because I heard the boomer below us (lucky I saw him and killed him).

There was another game where I played NM.

I joined the game in NM2 when my team was playing as Infected (2nd round). Kinda disappointed, but in NM3 we started winning back. Rushed to the saferoom when I got stuck and the smoker pulled me to the car. I was expecting it and shot the car to kill the smoker, then someone tossed molo and I rushed into the pawnshop to close the 2 doors and then hurried into the saferoom. That one was pretty scary.

NEW GDB-F X(

2009-10-26T00:48:00.002+08:00

SO LIKE X(

Well, there IS a SS1 GDB-F out there...and I'm SO tempted to get it. I just...feel that I can't put my personal GDB-F down X(

Sadded.

I really don't know.

2009-10-20T01:34:00.004+08:00

...angry at herself for leaving her heart so open. What is love? How can one so jaded, so weary know love again? But he..he showed her what love was, and slowly she opened her heart, hoping..hoping to love again. And then he plunged the dagger into her heart, and it was so painful, so very painful. A fresh scar to join the many other scabbed-over ones. Will she love again? Can she bear to open her heart again? Yet she knows she will, because she is stupid and crazy...And people do crazy things when they are in love."

~

"I didn't want to discuss this on the bus because I was scared that if you became emotional, you would run blindly across the road or something and get knocked down"

and a lot of other stuff.

Experiments.

Love.

"I hate you. Go away"

"I'm on my knees..and I'll stay here till you're okay"

~

"I know you're tired.."

If you know I'm tired, why did you insist on taking the bus all the way to the last stop and then taking the long route to my house?

~

"I don't know when I want to see you again."

"I understand."
...
...
...
"When can I see you again?"

"Whenever you feel like it, okay?....I'm here for you."

~

A lot of tears were shed. And words.

~

Grinding my teeth so hard now when I'm talking to him on MSN. Hurts, but the pain reminds me that I'm still alive.

6th month anniversary. I gave him a shirt and a bag. And, I was subjected to...kindly put, a test of endurance.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to say.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. And when I mean long..

When I heard him laugh while he was telling me he had it planned all the while, my heart shattered, and for a moment, I felt thrust back in time, when Greenapples and Rusco had hurt me. The two combined into a haze of red and black agony, and his laughter hurt me so badly, I wanted to go home and just..lie down..and maybe die.

I haven't felt so hurt, so pained in a very long time.

Maybe because I opened my heart to him, and the blow was so unexpected.

~

Fires to flames
Dust to ash
Everyone will burn like a pile of trash
But from these ashes
New life grows
And for this new life
A single red rose.

Dusty!

2009-10-16T11:21:00.002+08:00

So like, I haven't posted in a while.

6th month is coming up. Kinda..feel queer, since I haven't seen him for a few days now. Lol..kinda reminds me of the bride and groom thing - dunno what, cannot see each other for how long before the wedding day something ._."

Anyway, like, had a few good days with Wangan. Namely when Dare came to SG (video in the sidebar)..well, we had Crazy 4-way (always the case when TCS is around, no?) and all-Supra battle (Ultimate Happiness!) XD.... and more recently, Winter and I were sian of waiting for machines at DBG, so we went to Cineleisure - yes, I wouldn't usually go there because of CERTAIN ppl but..I couldn't see myself spending moolah (no money at that time) changing tokens when I had credit in my TZ card - and had a great time. Met up with TITAN..LTNS, and we played quite a bit.

The little kid (PCR..something) was being so damn disiao. Tell me to step boost off, and when I say "boost off can. you come near me I will slam you"..he never stepped boost off liao. I was so pissed, I said very loudly to Winter "some ppl think that having many stars means the boost very high. SORRY UH, I don't rely on my boost to win" after which I switched to using Zals-kun's Supra, and still won the kid. "See, 100 stars only, still can win. PROOF!"

I was so pissed though, so I went back to my own GDB-F. Earned quite a number of stars (the kid kept playing Hakone as if it was his best map sia. Kaoz..yeah sure he won a few times coz Titan kept slamming me also but when Winter came in it was sure win for either one of us)..almost an entire row. Tsk tsk. Ahh well. He stopped for a while, trying to take the crowns (in which I took down C1 easily and kept trying to run a proper line) and then came back to play. Halfway through his earlier games, he was calling a friend "where are you? Come back Cine leh" LOL..

tsk tsk..kids these days too rich liao. Must really say karm-sia to him for the 20 stars or so.

Is it a good thing?

2009-10-04T23:27:00.001+08:00

Dare came to SG =) Had a great time showing him around...Just really tired, and had pains in my feet coz of the walking around.

Felt a stab of jealousy when we went to Arcadia. I don't think it was good of me, so I just laughed it off. But after a while of thinking, it comes back to haunt me X(

lolwut

2009-09-24T12:54:00.000+08:00

So we were like discussing when the 'officially, we are bf-gf' date is.

Well, it's good to know then. =)

Do I deserve him?

2009-09-17T23:31:00.003+08:00

I haven't asked myself this question in a long time..heck, not seriously ever anyway.

So like, I realised that after 5 months of being with JQ, it's like, he's always being so nice to me and giving in to me all the time. I feel really happy and like, floaty *rolls eyes* coz yeah well, I haven't met any guy who well, has tried NOT to take/has NOT taken advantage of my nature. (LOL JQ POINTED OUT THIS MISTAKE. SORRY DARLING. PATSPATS)

JQ has ALWAYS been there for me, he always takes care of me (while I abuse him by calling him names X( SORRY X( ) and well, overall I think he's a steal. He doesn't seem to want much of me - just wants me to improve myself, slim down, eat healthily etc. He wants the best for me.

So..on the way home just now, a thought just struck me: Do I deserve him?

*recalls her list of 10 things that must be fulfilled* Can I love him more than he loves me? I really don't know.

I feel that I express love through actions and money (unfortunately, yes) - they go hand-in-hand anyway. But never words. I can't bring myself to say those 3 words to him, maybe because..it's too early to declare anything, and..*dies a little* I just..

T.T

Sunday!

2009-09-14T00:03:00.002+08:00

So what happened today was like, pretty good.

Morning went church. After church go to Clementi - missed my usual stop coz I suddenly fell asleep thinking that the jam would take a long time to clear. So..bo bian, walk all the way from the interchange to CityVibe.

Had LJS for brunch. It was kinda heavy =/ So I won't say what I ate. Except that, I feel that now they are promoting clam chowder (now 5oz at 1SGD) for the school break..the clam chowder isn't good. Totally no clams at all (ate it a 2nd time after the >O*F< and WSM match)

After eating, went up to play LAN. Had 1 very good game. It was just like, warm-up. Quite awesome XD

Saw that it was about 2pm liao, so I went out to the arcade to meet up with the ppl playing the match. I quite like it how Ahmen just pays out of his own pocket for the OF ppl playing the match. I think that's..quite nice la. IDK how to describe.

Watched them play. Kinda disappointing, but IDK. Maybe it was for the better?

After that, I got an extremely late birthday present XD And then went back to LJS to talk to Zals and Anna-chan. Had a 2nd cup of clam chowder - turned out that the more I drank/ate, the more sour it got =/

Went up back to the arcade with them (my god, the lanshop was packed full..) and spent about an hour watching them train, and did some TA for myself. Disappointed that I kinda lost feeling for my car, but I broke into a high '52 for the Supra. Some turns just not for me today =.="

After that, finally got a seat at the lanshop. Had a few games..I think it was awesome that I played with the Jap players (for the 2nd last match) coz they were really good sport, and while they couldn't speak English properly, I could bond well with them. Like most of our 3+1s worked (I landed on the smoker's one coz my mouse kept going haywire), and when I was boomer, they would patiently wait for me and not rush me. And if they saw I had problems, they would straightaway go in for me XD Really nice! And they would tell me stuff like "Brrruja, attack..witch" - one attack with the witch was all we needed to win the Terminal map XD And it just started for them only =.=" It was actually my mistake la. I spawned early to destroy doors, then I was trying to find a suitable spot to scratch the witch from, then I tio block by the witch as I was going past, and they shot at me, then the witch run after them. Woot XD

At the construction site (DA3), we'd kill one (the one who couldn't join them fast enough when they dropped down to hide underneath the pipe for the crescendo event. Then 3 left, and boomer went. I remember that there was one left standing, and he had like one hunter's scratch worth of health left. My teammates missed a pounce..so I just spawn and run and scratch while he was reviving one guy. Yey win.

And they don't kpkb me about my binded keys XD

After that, last match of the day, I was just playing with some ppl in the lanshop to cool down. I think I did some pretty okay Smoker work (DT3, when the survivors are crossing the train top to get to the long road to the house before the ambulance before the church). Kept them there for a long time. But as Survivors, kinda sucked. Teammates all split up, and the witch didn't help.

Then I was acting gay with the survivors at the end, and one of them tried to jio me. LOLX. Lucky I know where they sitting, then when they left, I saw the 3 of them..the egg guy quite cute. Had a bit of an angmoh look. XD And I heard him saying "Haha I was the last one alive" and he was staring at me. Too bad I never give the "hehe..I know who you are" look.

For the last match, I think I had some blind (literally) luck being tank at the finale..although my dimwit partner put all my hard work to waste I stood very very far from the house (near the fireplace area, and the smaller shack) and threw rocks through the trees. Woot. 4/6 hits. Then...my partner (it was 2v4) got control of the tank (they started chasing me..they had 3 molos too =.=) and then just rushed in =.="

Ahh. Good day. I think this rush will keep till Thursday. XD

Oh wow.

2009-09-10T09:53:00.002+08:00

I haven't updated in a long time.

Right.

About a couple of weeks ago, I nearly passed out on the bus - idk if it was the heat or whatever, but nearly passed out. Lucky JQ was around (kinda..wished he asked better questions though =/ ) to keep me from passing out. The feeling is NOT nice. You feel heavy, and there's this white noise in your ears that block out all noise (and turns voices into some dreamy kind of thing); your legs go jelly and, next thing you know, you can't open your eyes.

Maybe I was fighting so hard to not lose consciousness, and JQ was there to talk me out of it. But he said that I was in a cold sweat after everything (we got off the bus and cancelled all plans)

After that, started to eat properly, and then well, I miss L4D. Once a week of L4D just doesn't cut it coz..skill level drops all that. I feel that I'm not as fast in covering as last time anymore.

School's going fine. Wangan's going fine too. I think I've splurged on Wangan for the past few weeks. No more! Limit to every Saturday >.<

Gaming club too.

Today going out with Karen to get Sticky! Yey! After that, going to school, then to DBG, then to Paradiz. Lol. Ahhhh..

Sick and Raining

2009-08-30T10:46:00.000+08:00

Well, I'm sick and it's raining out.

At least, I'm getting work done. =)

X(

2009-08-25T23:32:00.002+08:00

Why is G dissing J again?

I don't know. I just feel he's insecure, and wants to win me over.

But what if there's some truth in G's words?

What if..it happens again?

Tell me the truth now. Don't play with my heart. I can't take another trap.

Distant..distance. Oh god. T.T emo again. Why?

My fall will be for you, my love will be in you. If you be the one to cut me, so I'll bleed forever

Fixed!

2009-08-20T20:34:00.002+08:00

Got the straps fixed. Pretty good yeah. Haven't tested it out, but will be testing it tomorrow.

Tomorrow kinda like a messed up day. Will be at Vivace from morning till mid-afternoon, then gtg rush to print my stuff (fixing the colours and lettering NOW) and then run off to Suntec to meet Kaz, Bryan and CK.

Will be bringing the bag around as a test XD

Hope everything will go well tomorrow.

I'm glad for the day spent in Baby's company. It seems that in the future it'll be hard for us to get together, coz he'll be busy with work, and me with school X(

And crap la, I didn't manage to get to gym =.=

So yes.

2009-08-18T15:10:00.003+08:00

The Crumpler bag broke at the straps. Well, at least can tell it'll break if I left my laptop in it. T.T Sadded.

Watched G.I. Joe with JQ yesterday. Awesome! I like the technology shown (not that it's anything too new) and the graphics were pretty good. All the CG and stuff. The storyline wasn't too hard for me to grasp (even though I played with G.I. Joe toys last time, I didn't really know the storyline kae XD) so I think overall the movie was good.

Waiting to catch UP and The Final Destination soon, I guess. I always liked the Final Destination series. Same storyline (well, you know, dying and stuff) but the ways that ppl can get killed..really sends those tingles down your spine. Quite creative for the next big murderer...lolx XD

yey stars!

2009-08-16T20:24:00.001+08:00

Well, earned nearly a row of stars from the kids at DBG just now. Pretty happy ^^" It was good to meet up with Dom also hahahaha.

So like for the past few days, been doing shopping, Wangan (getting the feeling to play back a lot liao - pissed JQ off somewhat), eating...

lawl at lingerie shopping. XD Thanks JQ and Ren for pei-ing me. Quite surprised to know that she knows Tong* also. XD

So, starting school soon. I hope Econs won't be that hard.

Excited! I will go to gym once a week.

Hunter training

2009-08-12T23:28:00.001+08:00

Many thanks to JQ for practicing Hunter stuff with me - YC, anti-air, 25s, walltapping, curving. At least, he was my guinea pig XD and I think both of us had quite a bit of fun..just that in the end my fingers were cramping from holding down Ctrl =.="

Anyway, just jio-ed Team CMI for a friendly. Dunno the details yet though.

At the airport!!

2009-08-11T21:48:00.004+08:00

AT THE AIRPORT!! Just waiting for the lady of the hour to come along and then check in. =)

Dunno why I'm blogging. Just happy I guess. Tired too X) But happy =)

Thanks JQ for pei-ing me everywhere today ^^

21 years old!

2009-08-11T00:39:00.004+08:00

Yey! Officially older liao!

Today I woke up late. The weather was damn good for sleeping in, can? =X

JQ came over (we were supposed to meet up at DBG but since both of us were late piggies..) and waited a while, while I wolfed down my breakfast after my bath and dolled up a bit. Nothing much XD Then we bus-ed to DBG and collected my free credit. Funny how I remembered it this year XD Have always forgotten it the previous years..

AND YES LIKE ZOMG. HE GOT ME A BOUQUET OF FLOWWAS! It's like my FIRST time getting a bouquet from ANYONE, so like..I'm so happy. I saw it after my bath (apparently, he came up to my house while I was bathing and left the bouquet on my dresser) and I was like..overwhelmed. I remembered all the times when I'd hinted to my ex-es that I wanted flowers (and obviously never got any) and then..like wow wow wow, JQ actually got me a bouquet.
So after getting the free credit at DBG, went shopping at Carrefour. I was thinking of simple shopping like getting the chocolate block and some fruits. Ended up with 41SGD+ of goceries. Rushed to Cold Storage coz I didn't have the Japanese peanut sauce for the pasta salad (ended up it was just hot pasta, instead of the cold pasta salad ^^"). No luck at Cold Storage either, so went to the fruit stall near my house (I like the organic fruits stall, but it was closed X( )to get the fruits instead and then FINALLY got home.

We were both starving, but whetted our appetites with some maki sushi - you know, those tiny tiny ones with a filling at the centre. Then we were watching Hell's Kitchen Season 3, and relaxing and stuff when Karen called me and asked if they could come up now. I was kinda stunned coz I wasn't expecting them, and I hadn't bathed yet.

After they came up, they promptly locked me out of my room...had no choice but to go and bathe, and wore a simple black and white dress. ^^" When I was coming out, I think they sent JQ to stop me, coz I was on my way back to my room to comb my hair and stuff. Lol it was damn cute what they were doing! X)

So I set up the table and prepped the food and fondue. Cam brought ice cream, Wanz and Qingz brought sushi and drinks. Lipz and Ren brought sausages and durian pancakes. I think we had a lot of dessert...XD

Yup.. They kept playing with the fondue machine XD And stuffed ourselves. I enjoyed the TsingTao beer...It was pretty good, doesn't have too much of the bitter aftertaste; I think I drank most of the bottle...acting unglam/drunk XD Oh and the girls broke out the speakers that I won from Colosseum's lucky draw, and it was damn good. The bass and the sounds..nice.

After the food and drink, we played around a bit with the remaining food. Like passing from one person to the other XD Karen became a pro at the fondue, so she made really good ones XD The cherries rocked btw. XD

After the playtime, it was cleanup and treasure hunting...well, not so, since they told me it was very big, and I sorta saw the gift already when Liping first entered my house (I was told to face the wall =.=) Didn't expect them to hide it in my cupboard XD

But I was really glad for it. ^^" It's so big and roomy, got space to put a lot of things!! =DD They even put a small notebook and a cardholder in as well. =) And there was a little bag that can pull out de. KAWAII!
Oh yes, had cake too. The cake had like 21 candles on it, and everything had to be blown out at once. Quite happy, coz I never really made a wish over a (brightly) lit cake before, and never had to blow out so many candles at one go! =)

So yeah..I'm really happy today ^^ A lot of my wishes came trueeee~

^.^

2009-08-09T02:18:00.002+08:00

Well, Happy 21st to me, and Happy 44th Birthday to SG (I only remembered coz of the LJS National Day menu..=X )

Anyway, recently I've been hooked on Hell's Kitchen. It's a reality series where aspiring cooks aim, claw, scratch and bite their way to being an executive chef at some fancy place. And the person to assess them? Gordon Ramsay - one hell of a guy.

As mentioned in my FB status - I wanna learn to diss ppl like him one day ^^"

For National Day, Imma spend it at Colosseum playing (hopefully) L4D from 11am to 10pm. I WILL train up my YC and Hunter skills. >.<

For my birthday itself, I hope there'll be some sort of a surprise - I didn't have much of a wishlist...but..the only wish I really have..?

well, as long as he speaks to my heart.

2009-08-06T01:56:00.001+08:00

Who is this girl I see staring straight back at me?

I can be sweet and gentle; I can be spiteful and vicious.

I can be totally honest and open with people; I can tell people what they want to hear.

2 different sides to me.

Was ALW correct in assessing me?

21st birthday

2009-08-05T11:42:00.002+08:00

IDK what I want for my birthday, seriously.

I mean, yeah, I want a nice shoulder messenger bag, but I keep dragging my feet about it. I want Razer, but the Bee's Knees from Crumpler looks nice too (I'm hesitant about Crumpler coz it's just too common nowadays - you know me, I want something uncommon de) and since Razer's bag is perfect for gaming..what more could I ask for?

Then again, another secret wish of mine is for him to..to..

But as long as the girls come over on Monday, and we have some good pot luck ending with chocolate fondue..that should be all right. ^^

I just miss..a lot of things. I'm worried that we won't have time together anymore (and yes, that's his worry too, so I'm quite pleased ^^) because when he starts working full-time and I have school etc etc etc.

._.

2009-08-02T01:39:00.003+08:00

Well, he confirmed with me that we aren't bf and gf...just..dating, I guess. Reminds me of another couple I know...*sighs*

Anyway, today I spent a LOT of money.

50 for Nebo coupons from Zals
50 as a loan to Zals
90 for my Thai amulet (Phra Nang Phaya - Queen of Amulet)
12 for the casing
10 dollars at Iluma (he spent 10 too)

I think overall it was a bad day gone good? Coz early in the morning we msned...and I felt pretty irritated at some things he said, so grudgingly met up with him (had to meet Zals too). After that I felt a bit better, but I didn't know what's wrong with me. All the emotions clashing and stuff? I felt like I couldn't talk to him, and needed time alone.

When waiting for Ray to come to bring me to get a Thai amulet, I told Baby "if you need to go then go lor" I remember that I didn't even look at him when he said "k I think I go first k?" and I said "bye". Totally snubbed him, but wished he actually stayed and asked me what's wrong.

He went to Bras Basah, while I waited for my friend. After that, walked to Bencoolen Square to look at the amulets. The boss intro me to a feminine looking one, and no other really looked just as appealing to me. So I bought it, and then Ray brought me to the casing shop.

JQ came as I was ready to buy the amulet. Felt really really bad that I kept ignoring him and stuff. I just..idk, maybe I expected him to be more boyfriend-ly kind of thing..but now that we've sort of talked things out..

Maybe I won't expect so much of him anymore.

Stupid girl, you should never expect too much from a guy. Haven't you forgotten how much heartache it can cause you?

But after collecting my amulet back and then finishing up dinner, we went Iluma's Arcadia and had quite a bit of fun at the toy catching. Didn't catch any..but he did say something that lifted my mood a bit.

We were just finishing the first round around the entire toy-catching area of the arcade when he asked me "see anything you like?"

I wonder if I'd said "yes" would he have die die caught it for me?

Just for the record, nothing really caught my eye. The tortoise no more le, so..yeah, nothing much really.

Stop wondering so much, stupid girl.

2009-08-01T00:01:00.002+08:00

So like, my grandpa just had a stroke (maybe coz the priest that served my church for a long time has passed away) so...

I'm really feeling clueless of what to do now.

JQ didn't really help. Maybe I expected him to do something, but then I remembered what my friend told me...that I shouldn't have too much expectations of him since..

since, I don't rightly know if we're girlfriend and boyfriend yet - not that THAT matters too much, but the grey area is killing me at times.

I'll hopefully be getting my amulet tomorrow. Hope I can find a nice one that I can click with.

I feel like just booking a room and lying down there.

against Alvachan

2009-07-31T21:18:00.003+08:00

Oh well. Won him by 1 point, but I finally realised that it was true, quite a waste of time. =.=

So, idk. Don't feel good about winning too either. Now at SMU with JQ eating desserts XD He and his coconut cream.

I just feel worn out suddenly. Maybe play too much Wangan in a day? IDK. And dehydrated as well. Oh well.

Stardrop

2009-07-29T00:08:00.000+08:00

Since stardRoP is done with the tuning, I'll prolly put it into use. See if I can play with this setting..else I'll have to spend on doing the dress up..again.

Recently no mood to post, no mood to do anything but to play L4D, or slack at home. Maybe coz I miss him.

2009-07-21T12:06:00.002+08:00

I will not talk unless required to in L4D pub games anymore. Waste of time. People just think I'm a small boy or a girl who can't play for nuts. So whatever.

I got mad at him for just a brief moment in time too, while we were waiting at the bus stop.

And then on the way home, I missed my stop and he looked so panicked, I couldn't help but to love him all over again. He was like saying "I wanted to send you home!! Shall we get off and walk back?"

Then I said "it's okay, I send you home k?"

And before that, I was just huddling myself in the corner, and he leaned over and whispered to me "Can I hold your hand?"

like omg..*MELTS*

It's done =)

2009-07-18T16:49:00.002+08:00

Finally done with the BBQ I'd been planning for over 2 years. yes, 2 years.

Either way, just a very very big thank you to everyone who came - represented the different parts of my life.

At the end of it, when he sent me home (thanks to my jiemei for advising me to let him send me home), and after he left..IDK..

J: "...you happy can le"

M: "I don't know whether to hate you or to love you for that"

I think it's because I haven't been dependent on anyone to ensure my happiness in a long time - not even with Rusco (TBH, I wasn't sure if I was truly happy with him). It scares me a little that my happiness can make someone happy, in a bizzare way, at least.

Either way, it makes me pretty scared, that..my own happiness is..no longer ensured by myself. I guess, it's a mark of freedom (*thinks back to the conversation she had with Ren on the trip to get dry ice*) that I've enjoyed; like, I'm responsible for my own happiness, but no longer...

*smiles faintly*

well.

Watching Titanic now. They just hit the iceberg.

Chocolate = secksie

2009-07-15T00:29:00.000+08:00

Bought a chocolate fondue fountain today (shhh..it's a secret actually) =X

Damn cheap. 35% discount. How could I resist?!

BBQ going more or less smoothly, thank god for best friends and Baby.

Happy! =)

Been a long time..

2009-07-12T00:19:00.003+08:00

...since I blogged.

Either way, been busy getting ready stuffs for BBQ.

Tuesday - went with him to see best's place for the BBQ. Sian. Have to prepare wet weather program.

Had a great Wednesday evening and night with the Klique. Hahaha XD All the unglam pics =) Haha about the Giant incidents and stuff - found the mini pit that I wanted. YOSH!

It was really too bad that ALW and JUL argued X( I wish I could have helped more but..sigh.

He was sick on the first day of work. LULZ. I wish I could have gone over to his place and take care of him. He sounded really sick. When he got to work, it was like GG. But yeah, ending around 5pm has its pros and cons =X

He pei-ed me the whole of Saturday. Went to Clementi to do shopping for BBQ stuffs with him and mom. Thanks mom for paying (it was pretty cheap too, considering what we bought =/) and thanks to Baby for pei-ing us and carrying the drinks. So man sia, he carry until like that. hahaha..

I felt pretty sick in the afternoon. Maybe coz haven't been sleeping and eating well. We played a bit of Facebook games then I told him I cmi, have to go sleep a while. Evening we went to DBG and had Pie Kia (lulz, coz the Chicken Rice no space) and then I went off and he sent me off. Rain so heavily sia T.T

Anyway, I feel slightly better now but still kinda hungry. Oh well X=

P.S. Been having my emo attacks as of late. But I'm glad I have so many ppl to help me pull through.

It's over

2009-07-06T11:27:00.000+08:00

Finally over.

Won one, lost one, but either way, enjoyed ourselves.

Tired

2009-07-04T00:26:00.000+08:00

WCG in about 11 hours.

Nervous, tired, sleepy, stressed.

NTSS. Nice. Lulz.

But Restaurant City damn nice to play =X

So like...

2009-07-02T01:14:00.000+08:00

Haven't been blogging much.

Just to recount that I got really pissed at him one day. Thankfully, it's settled.

WCG soon.

Training still bad.

Time to sleep and I'm not sleeping yet. GG

Mood swings

2009-06-29T00:13:00.001+08:00

I've got weird mood swings - but then again, since when were mood swings normal? I'm angry at him for saying what he said, but at the same time I feel like crying because I'm angry at him. like, wtf?

I guess I can say that it's a few things that made me unhappy:

1. Max's friends - kept asking who we are in the game, like wtf, I can understand la, friends wanna play with friends. So fuck, could have just answered my questions. Rage quit. gg.

2. What he smsed me about before we retired for the night. I don't get it - I wanna write, what's wrong with that? I know your concerns, but it's not sif I'm writing an FR on myself FOR them. Like, wtf man, I'm writing about MY experience ABOUT them. What's so wrong with that?

*takes to bashing her pillow and wall*

It hurts to feel so angry. IDK why.

Aw X)

2009-06-28T02:25:00.000+08:00

He came down to Bugis straight after I told him that I'd seen Joey there. >.<

But then I was already near Marina Square =.=

Had good Wangan times with ABC-kun today XD

Transformers 2 was nice. A bit too long though. Made me sleepy. XD

25th June 2009

2009-06-26T21:50:00.003+08:00

He got mad at me, and we nearly argued.

~

26th June - went to DSC. Clean bill of health. Went to nearby and had fun. Thanks baby =) Although a shadow crossed my face when he said sorry. I guess, it had been bugging me the entire day.

After that, went to Bugis to eat Bak Chor mee..saw a noob eather, but we were fungry, so we went to eat..then went to look at a nice ice cream palour - home-made ice cream ftw!! XD

Ate a bit of ice-cream, then went to DBG. Saw ABC-didi, Trison-didi, Aiyo and the MHD group. Didn't get to play Wangan but played 20SGD worth of touch-screen XDDD hahahaha..oh and played DDR with ABC. wooo..very tiring.

Went to IKEA and walked around - we were really tired, but I think we ironed out quite a lot of things. XD Ate the fake ice-cream from Glico...damn nice! =D hehehe...worth it right? X) Went home after that..yawns..

Time to settle the menu~~~

Finally..

2009-06-25T00:57:00.000+08:00

..bought it.

Lulz.

Thursday - will be trying out the chocolate fondue with him. Need to go buy fruits!

Friday - will be going back to clinic for results with him, and then chilling. Woot~

Saturday - Transformers 2 with TRD!!

Uneventful

2009-06-22T13:27:00.002+08:00

Went to Clementi on Sunday to make sure my L4D skills don't rust. Got a few smses but turned them down. Watched Seng and Hanee race. I like it how she drives without any thought of pride and stuff.

Maybe one day I can be like her.

I played a bit myself later. Didn't earn many stars, but overall gained a profit XD

"preached" about the wonders of TA and stuff, but I don't think he'll really do it. I'd be surprised if he did.

Now, just slacking. Wish I worked more.

mmm..

2009-06-20T23:34:00.002+08:00

Thursday - He pei me home. We sat at my house downstairs and chatted till late. We talked about a lot regarding our past and stuffs. To be honest, I cried.

"Just cry k? Cry until you happy." And he held me close. All those memories flashing through my mind with stunning clarity...I just remembered everything suddenly. I felt so sad but grateful that he was there for me.

~

Friday - Woke up, made breakfast for him. Went our separate ways. I enjoyed myself at the fish spa =) Then went to DBG and earned quite a number of stars =XD

~

Saturday - I just came home. Eating the mussels now. He spent quite a long time with me today. Really happy. His mom called to ask where he was, worrying about him spending money. I kind of like, worry about that too =/

And crap. forgot about guitar strings again. wtf =.=

Kallang

2009-06-16T23:45:00.002+08:00

So like, went Kallang with the intention to go ice skating, but after we saw that the place was pretty packed, we both were kind of turned off.

I went to check Wangan machines at TKA there - empty, since it was only about 2pm+ at that time. I complained (as usual) that I was hungry, so we went to KFC and ate a little. I didn't want to eat too much coz ice skating, you know. XD

End up, after eating Snackers, we saw that the rink was still too crowded, and he suggested that we could go watch a movie instead. I went to the arcade, and saw a chance to do Project 600HP = 2k stars, so I went in. After which, some guy with an Evo 8/9 named ROCKY came in and proceeded to eat us back.

So what I did was to step brakes on him right at the start so he bumped my R32's ass XDDD Then he was pissed enough to slam me back. Fair enough. I got 2nd, and changed to 'my lovable car' (cookies for those who get the joke). Then we played 1 on 1, Wangan westbound. He chose to go straight all the way, ending at CCW where after a few big turns, the path splits into C1 in and out. At the last km or so, I was kind of worried that it looked like I wouldn't win. But with some lucky aiming and a mistake on his part, I put him into a bus stop.

Since Baby had already went to get the movie tix, I was pretty desperate to play TA and retire immediately but nooooo, the kid ran over to the next set of machines and called his friends over. I was like wow...2v1 - gonna be exciting. Then when all 3 seats were occupied, I was like "wow!! 3v1!! I so scared~"

Baby came back with the popcorn that made me high =X Anyway, we played Nagoya and I got 2nd place. I was really running late for the movie le. When I ended, I told the guy next to me (he seemed the oldest anyway) "Today I let you go coz I have a movie to catch. You guys want to 3v1 me, not so easy. Want rematch come DBG find me."

Like what I told Baby, lucky for them, I wasn't wearing my TRD jacket, else I would have missed the movie (btw, we watched Blood: The Last Vampire. Plot isn't that good. I think it's overhyped) and I would have just stayed there to play.

During the movie, I was so pissed I ate the popcorn really fast and felt sick halfway through the movie. After the movie, I think I'd relaxed a little, and we were in the stairwell walking down to get out of the place (it was quite deserted anyway) when I stopped at the top of a flight of steps and really tried to relax - just in case the stairwell opened to the arcade area (in which I would have told Baby that I want to check out the Wangan machines...again). I think he knew I was really pissed off; he suddenly put his arms around me from the back and hugged me real tight. Thanks Baby for being there for me. ^.^

Then after that we walked out - lucky for us (and prolly the kids) the stairs brought us to the 2nd level, and a different part of the mall. So off we went back to DBG. Walked to Sunshine Plaza and sent Baby to work (he intro-ed me a nice place named Koi Cafe. They make great bubble tea. Imma go back for the Honey Black Tea =D A little on the expensive side though.. Oh and also, Baby remembered that I didn't like and couldn't tahan the smell of the aromatherapy shop near the NTUC at TPY central, so he made sure to take a different route out of the MRT station - so sweet of him). After that I walked to TPY Entertainment Centre and sat there trying to lure some ppl into giving me stars...Oh well. I got 52'1xx today. So damn close to breaking my timing. Last few turns always giving me the same problems..

Lulz at the smses we were sending while I was gaming and he was working.

After that I headed back to DBG and met Matt-kun, Mr. P, Z31, Shie and Rave. Didn't battle, coz I was kind of drained already. Tried some TA and Jubeat, but really cmi..so I went off early (after hearing that Kor was coming...) and went to Carrefour to buy bread. Came home and now...blogging.

Thanks Baby for making my day.

Pranks in L4D

2009-06-15T21:54:00.002+08:00

One of my favourite pranks in L4D is: When the host switches cheats on, I bind keys to spawning tanks and witches, and either 1. crash the server by overspawning, or 2. cause a lot of screaming, cussing and swearing to start in the LAN shop.

Incident #1: My teammate told me that the opposing team would switch cheats on when they played as Infected and spawn tanks to kill us all. Fair enough. So I said that I would spoil the game by binding keys to spawning tanks AND witches, and then I would spawn so many that the host would simply crash.

My teammate also said to set "noclip" on as well. That allowed us to fly out to the destination saferoom. And since tanks can't break down saferoom doors..I just closed the door and spawned as fast as my fingers could spam the keyboard. =D We crashed soon after that.

Incident #2: Guy A is sitting beside me playing VS. I notice that the host switches on the cheats when he needs to. Guy A turns around and comments something to his friend B - and I realised that he's the host. So before I joined the game, I bound my keys once more, and when I could finally join the game, I simply waited till B switched cheats on, and suddenly there were 10 witches and tanks in the distance, with 5 witches spawning nearby. I was insta-incapped, but guy A was just so damn stunned.

B quit the game asap, and then came over. A asked why he spawned so many tanks and witches so fast, and B said that he didn't, and must have been coz they realised that cheats were on and immediately spawned so many.

I was hiccuping with laughter. Srsly damn funny. XD

waatt...

2009-06-14T23:38:00.003+08:00

4th place...again!

/facepalm

Either way, I'm grateful to HIM, who came down so early (even though he's a pig, and we all know pigs sleep in on Sundays) to sarpork me. Quite happy that everyone came early too.

First match was against Vertex(1). Swee owh, the 3+1 in the 3rd map of No Mercy! I was so scared I would steal the smoker's one T.T

Well, let's put what happened at Funan behind us.

Indian curry massage - wtf XDDDDDDDDD

Thanks baby for coming to pei me, and for agreeing to sit with me for a while on Saturday as well.

I think I've really improved my personal skills. I will play without flashlight. I will play with higher sensitivity.

~

I'm not gonna emo at what we're discussing right now. I just want to know. Maybe I'll cry later when I go to sleep thinking about all this - because I've never thought of the future before, I've always lived in the present, for the present.

It's hard to talk about such stuff, baby. But after 4 relationships? It's best that I started learning from my mistakes, and start talking.

~

On another note:

M: I was pretty worried, didn't know if I should have not insisted that he played against ILY today =/
L: yea u shulda played...actually, why didnt u play? coz my marshals was telling me since zombie mania that u are the one playing very well consistently in the team

I have to disagree. Very well? I doubt it. =/ Unless you're talking in terms of teamwork, then maybe luh.

I wore him out

2009-06-13T00:15:00.002+08:00

True. We've spent 24 hours and 15 minutes together le. Thanks baby >.< Please take care. You always take care of me, and I feel very bad for not taking care of you, which is how it should be.

I'm gonna repeat something from my old blog here:

Things I look for in a guy:

1. He must have the same passions as I do
2. He must not mind that I babble on like a brook about my passions, because I don't know what else I could probably talk to him
3. He must be undeniably charming
4. Cute acts is a must (I don't mean the kawaii kind of cute, more like he does cute things like..well, what EC1 does XD)
5. He must love me for who I am inside. No longer will I be used.
6. Preferably, he should be like a sugar daddy to me. I love to be spoilt XD
7. If number 6 fails, then it doesn't matter. But I would like to treat him (often) well and show him love via gifts and presents (and the occasional hug and kiss)..and I'd like to have him treat me back once in a while and preferably shower me with gifts. Surprises are a must.
8. When I'm crying I don't want him to tell me not to cry. That would make me cry harder. I want his shoulder as my tissue, his arms as a protection.
9. Did I mention he must be cute? This kind of cute is cute looks.
10. I must be able to match his love for me.

I figure #10 is the most important. I could never forgive myself if someone loves me more than I do him...honestly I don't know how that will happen, because it seems I often love my friends more than I love myself.

Love: When someone else's happiness matters more to me than my own.

As quoted.

Emo v2

2009-06-11T02:22:00.002+08:00

"just like for you as it was for me, things just happen.
and i quite glad its like this till now, and i plan to have it this way for quite a while de"

My heart is not for sale - but you know how impatient I can get. I don't know how long I can wait - maybe it's up to you to keep me by your side.

I don't know how ANA-mei managed to wait so long, and in the end still face that kind of ultimatum.

I'm emoing because of this - because I don't know how long I have to wait. The uncertainty kills me - I don't know if I should wait solely for you, or are you okay with me going out with other guys as well.

Now I really wonder if I should wear my (Claddagh) ring in this way now. Maybe I should change it, because am I "truly spoken for"?

I don't need an answer from you straightaway, because an answer simply complicates things. And when I see you tomorrow, I hope that I can forget about this (STM, remember?) and that I'll enjoy every moment as it comes.

Because baby, I only know how to count time in moments - the moments I spend with you.

Emo.

2009-06-11T01:45:00.002+08:00

Read his blog from last time.

Feeling really emo now. Like what I said..."i just feel sad that you were so sad last time"

I hope that this works out, and that I can make him happy.

I never want to see him sad.

I never want to be the one that hurts him the most.

Maybe that's why it's for the best that we stay as close friends, like what we have right now, without any commitments.

Because I always hurt the ones I love. Which is why I'm fucking scared to go into a relationship. It hurts, it hurts so badly - the fear of falling and losing again makes my legs go weak.

I just don't want to get hurt again, maybe. But it's his first time too, and I want to make it special for him, for both of us. Coz I've never enjoyed myself so much before with a guy - in terms of hanging and chilling together.

I feel special and happy with him. I feel..I feel a lot of emotions that I don't think I'll experience with such intensity with anyone else. I don't know how to put these feelings into words - suffice to say that I don't think I'll feel this way ever again (which is why I blog so much and in detail).

Oh and that I love him for being so accommodating - always coming to find me even though it's so late and stuff, or being like very sua, then we'll just slack around and stuff. I think it's what appeals to me - his sua-ness, and his manner of persuading me and stuff...

I don't want to forget you, but I've got STM. We both got STM.

I just..

*steels herself*

I'm just waiting for you, like I said I would.

Inspired

2009-06-09T23:15:00.003+08:00

((One more post before I go to bed))

I feel so inspired after playing with Insig, Nova and uh..can't remember the last guy's name =.=||| We played a draft match, BH against Uniquely.Pinky, En, Pink and one more =.=|||

I really got short term memory sia!

But I really like the way that they are so calm and cool during the whole game.

Highlights:

Map 1: My mistake of not watching for 25. I think this is one of my biggest flaws as survivor. I felt that I could have played better as survivor though, and not have that first 25 that reduced me to half health. As for Infected play, I felt that as boomer I kept calm (I think coz I wasn't too pressured by the guys to quickly spawn - they would tell me what to do beforehand) and I found that I could spawn faster.

Map 2: Haha..my boomer. Someone said to cover the smoker, then I literally walked over. HENG I didn't make it in time (having realised my mistake..) and I ran over to the incapped instead. That was towards the end. At the start of the tank, I think it was really good that I could even spawn behind a pole, and then spray all 4, just nice for the tank to come in. As for playing as survivors, I felt that I could have covered better - especially the one where Insig was incapped on the other side - I totally didn't know who was what at where sia. Coz damn confusing! Ran over to save Econs from being dragged, and thankfully Insig was like "Bruja, turn around and look at me." Okay. No panic. ^.^||| Pistol-ed but couldn't make it, so I ran over to him via the tiny ledge (for those who know me, I'm pretty scared of such stuff, coz I'm scared of falling). Shoved and shot the hunter, and then fell down myself =.= But we all managed to make it, which was..pretty good, I think.

Map 3: My infected play still not as good. I think we misunderstood orders for the 3+1, but overall, I was quite happy that my boomer spawning is getting slightly better. As survivors, I think I understood a bit better how to cover spawn spots to prevent assists for tank.

I didn't play Map 4 and 5.

I really feel inspired to play more with insig they all now, coz they do keep their cool even when hunters or whatever is on them.

yey!

2009-06-09T15:52:00.002+08:00

I'm so happy for him, that he has found a job =) I hope he'll succeed at it.

I'm also very happy and touched coz last night after he sent me off at my bus stop (he was taking the bus home), I smsed him saying that I wished he could stay over, because I was really feeling damn emo (see below post - oh and I told him about it, and he was like "see la, last time young so like that.." I think I really love him for his non-judgemental way?)

So like, after I smsed, he didn't reply. Then suddenly after my bathe, he called me and told me he was at the void deck of my block. I was like "WTF." I nearly yelled out loud XD

Then I was like damn stunned la, okay. So in the end...I'm really happy. Thank you, baby. I feel much better now, mentally and physically =)

So like...

2009-06-09T00:10:00.002+08:00

...why is he bothering me right now.

NOT HIM, okay..

Just some other guy, whom I believe I must have mentioned once before in this blog (I think =/).

I am not some kind of toy or plaything that is only called upon when needed. It's so insulting to...be thought of in this "perspective" I just felt pissed off - you know, like all the old feelings came back to haunt me.

I am not something that will obey your every whim and wish. You did it to me once, and nothing good came out of it. I didn't enjoy much - you only wanted me to satisfy yourself, your one time thing. And I hate it. I hate you. Go away and forever leave me alone.

I don't mind playing Dota with you, but you use it as an excuse to get your way, to get what you want. No more. I'm not gonna listen to you. If you think I've changed, I think you're right. I'm no longer the naive girl that I once was. At least my needs and desires can all be fulfilled now. So you can leave me alone.

I've not ranted enough. When I got your sms...I just felt so...bad. Like I was thrown back in time back to those days - you weren't the only heartache then, I had my ex to contend with as well.

Leave me alone!

4th place..again

2009-06-07T12:42:00.001+08:00

Well, lets face it. We lost to Infected PdM..again. Sigh. Really bad infected play, usually with me having the "UNABLE TO SPAWN" problems again X(

Ah well. More training for Funan's match!

I must be focused on the whole screen. I must be faster!

1st Round - No Mercy

2009-06-06T00:35:00.003+08:00

Lost.

I am still too damn slow!

And my area of focus still not good enough.

We didn't cover boomer spots, nor did we shove.

And the little highlight of the day scared me. Seriously.

Oh and she said you were decent and worth the wait, and sincere.

And there was one more thing which I -just- forgot.

Oh wait, I remember le.

En was intro-ing us to a guy (I..er..forgot his name) but he's a staff at Rapture Gaming, doing up articles de. Then she intro me last, saying that my name is "Brujarnesh!" (said so loudly somemore T.T). You could literally see the question marks popping up around the guy's head =X

I think Mag-nesh was laughing like mad. lolx. Then Pink and Jelly also laughed TT.TT

But I think the best part was that he (the guy) thought I was 18 =D

w000tz0r!~

Time...

2009-06-05T12:41:00.002+08:00

..is counting down.

about 5 more hours to go. I feel...detached, normal. I wish..I wish that ALW-san was happier..or at least that he would have sounded happier last night when we spoke.

I'm sitting here, watching Yakitate! Japan (what else?). Can't decide what to wear.

*chants* the best tea leaves are at the top, the best tea leaves are at the top

Well

2009-06-05T01:40:00.004+08:00

about 18 more hours to go.

My schedule tomorrow:

Wake up
Go for jog
Buy CCF
EAT CCF =X
Meet Zals-didi at Clementi
4.30pm meet up with Jelly
5.30pm Reporting time
6pm Start match
10pm End match

I really hope that he will see this msg in time..maybe after he books out and goes home and switches on his computer, and come and fetch me home after the match. I really miss him.

Or maybe I'll just sms him =/

Ahhhh

2009-06-04T14:26:00.001+08:00

L4D - Basically, I don't wanna screw it for VGirls.

Massage - Virgin massage. It felt really good. Thanks, baby, for bringing me. And thanks for being so considerate =) And thanks for the time spent yesterday...you know what I mean =)

Happy ORD-ing, sweet.

~

On another note, I'm glad we're talking again. =)

Green Tea =/

2009-06-03T00:19:00.000+08:00

How do you...

2009-05-31T01:26:00.002+08:00

...define love?

"Love is a many splendoured thing. Love lifts us up to where we belong. All we need is love!"

and not to forget:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return"

But we'll see. I'm smarter now...

...I hope.

For you

2009-05-30T01:03:00.003+08:00

The things which I couldn't put into words - it's simply because I'm too proud, too scared to have my pride (and heart) wounded again.

It's really quite sad. To quote that Westlife song..."Fear of rejection kept my love inside; but time is running out, so damn my foolish pride".

I fear rejection, and being hurt. Like I think you mentioned before, my pain threshold is very low. Either way, I didn't want to tell you some things simply because I felt they made me very vulnerable. It's like we're in a swordfight with wooden swords - we know they won't kill, but we leave no opening for which to bruise each other. But I felt that if I said those stuffs, I'd be vulnerable, not to being killed, but to being hurt.

And what could hurt more than being alive to feel the hurt, the pain? At least if I died, it would have been over in an instant.

Or maybe it's coz I'm scared of your reaction. There's still a lot of things I don't know about you. And the future is so uncertain between the both of us - even though outsiders may say otherwise, I'm fearful of committing so much, so fast, so naively like in my past.

And no offense, but once bitten, twice shy: What if you're into me just for the. What if I'm just some..thing.. .

I know it certainly doesn't feel that way. And you seem sincere enough. But ever since then, I've had this issue with trust, and it makes me crazy. It makes me crazy-mad, because my heart tells me to <3, but the suspicious-paranoid part of me tells me to be careful, and that I should not commit anything.

They say that love is just a game. But why, why does it have to be? (No offense to my jiemeis here) Yes, maybe in the 'courtship' process it's meant to be like a game. Maybe this is what I need to learn about courtship - the chase.

It won't be easy, baby, and I'm sorry. I won't make a move till you've made yours, I've made up my mind, as much as it breaks my heart to do so. And remember, I'm an impatient girl, but I won't give up love for money, or material stuff.

~

I'm really glad - you don't mind me writing to you. It's so much easier to organize my thoughts this way.

I won't reveal what will hurt me most here - 'tis ever thus.