\=

If I don't hear from him for one day, I get kinda agitated, coz I don't know if he's safe or something. His mom doesn't know about us, so what will happen if he dies or something eh.

On a sidenote: managed to NOT RAGE at ppl today during L4D2.

So, like, I haven't been blogging much. Been really busy. Popo passed away. Kinda sad. idk how to describe. I miss her cooking, that's as much as I can say.

Work's tiring, but good. didn't get as much pay as I'd hope to, but I think it's a good start.

Have to consider that I may be dropping out of SMU soon. Well, I'll be JUST like you, at least. And then I'll know how you feel etc.

Just feeling really emo coz he's not there for me right now. Physically, I mean. And I miss him so much, but it feels like he doesn't want to see me. And when I see my friends doing stuff together etc etc, I just can't help but to wonder..how come we aren't like that?

New job

So like I'm really excited about my new job.

I've already packed all the tools I bought to practice with into the make-up brush kit. All fits perfectly, even the rolling pin. Wahahahaha. X))))

Got my nails trimmed (pulled off the one that broke) and then gonna get my hair done later

Eyelashes extension

Did my very first eyelash extension at Min's Beauty Studio, Chinatown Point #2-13. Very nicely done. X))))

Pictures on Facebook!

Remember what we spoke about expectations?

You stupid girl.

Update

★MAY@
Class - S6
Title - Wangan Beginner
Outruns - 3300+
Mileage - >82, 000km+
Current loop - 13th
Ghosts - 1000+

Transferred to DX+. Now waiting.

Hopeful

I hope I get the job with CLC!!

Recently...

Been really busy with school.

I said the 3 words to him on that fateful night. For the record, I've never said it verbally out loud to anyone before.

Going for a modelling thing, hope I get my cake deco job. Planned out something small for his birthday - hope he likes it, coz I really no money to do much =/

IT Show + Body Shop Sale

Overall, bf and I spent:

Roccat:
Kave - 169
Kone - 129 ( <3 this blinky mouse)

Steelseries:
Siberia V2 - 169

Bagman:
DSLR Pouch (to keep my headset + mouse, not for DSLRs) - 19
**was tempted to get a bag that was 80% discounted, but end up my bf buy for himself and said I could trade my Crumpler if I wanted


Following stuffs bought for friends/family:
WD Elements 500G 2.5" - 115
Brother Ink cartridges - 90.90
Lexmark Ink cartridges - 30.10

Random stuffs bought:
Body Shop - I don't have the receipts but I'm sure my bf and I spent at least 150 coz we went there for 3 days, and each day bought stuffs. We both are suckers for Body Shop stuffs >.>

Total: 872SGD. *goes and eats grass for the next 3 months*

Do I need to say anything else?

Intimidation

I kinda realised a lot of guys out there do get intimidated by girls who have went to play at WCG before.

Whenever I mention that I played L4D competitively, they go like 'woaaaah'..and then silence. Then 'woaaaah' again or something like that. Same thing happens when I mention I'm a gamer.

But what I really dislike the most is:

- guys not inviting you to play casually with them, implying that "I don't want to play with SG 4th place..later lose..(lose to girl somemore)"

- guys saying that you cheat/screen others because you have a 5.1 speaker headset and can pinpoint where their boomer/noise-making infected is.

- guys who put you into the not-so-good team, and teaming up with the best of their group to play, and when they win, they make a big thing out of it. Like hello, some games are inherently TEAMWORK.


Thanks Baby for not being intimidated.

301th post

Even as I thought about what I'd said in my previous post, I just realised I'm not in the position to say anything about you looking at other girls.

Sorry.

Sorry Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry that I don't have a body like hers.
Sorry that I don't have anything that look like her assets.
Sorry that I don't shave clean down there.
Sorry that I don't have nice clothes like her.

~

Sorry that I'm not daring to bare like her.
Sorry that I'm not as slutty as her.
Sorry that I'm not thin like her.
Sorry that you have to go see this kind of things instead.


Am I not good enough? But just an hour ago, I was talking to my best guy friend about what happened a few weeks ago - and know that I haven't even told you about it. I feel a shockingly strong stab of jealousy but what can I do right? A guy will be a guy. I'm not as pretty as her, nor as thin - and I know you'd like to hold a thin waist.

So maybe I'll go on diets, go do liposuction. But that won't change your nature. Maybe it'll change mine. But not yours. Because no one can really ever change our nature. It's what we're born with. It's what we're born to.

Looking is not the same as doing. Of course I know that. It's one of the rules of this game, isn't it?

Tattoo

Gonna get a tattoo of angel wings on my back. Yes yes, I've been advised it's too big for a 1st time tattoo but I've already been thinking about this in a long time.

Why am I getting this?That's how/what I feel. Especially now when Baby and I are not feeling too good.

When I needed you

Emo. Can't sleep. What else is there to say?

"What if next time I get sent overseas or both of us work full-time then cannot see each other as often?"

Well, you've already experimented for the answer. *bitter laugh* That was what I was trying to say just now. So why ask me the obvious again?

I know baby, it's hard for the both of us but I think we've kinda just about withstood the test of time and family and friends. So I don't know what else could bring us apart so drastically, apart from ourselves.

Let's believe in ourselves, okay?

V day 2010

It wasn't much of a celebration. I still felt a bit awkward when he asked "Do you want me to stay?"

Of course I wanted him to stay. And I said so. And in the end he stayed even though he said he wanted to go off early.

Men. So mahfan.

Note to self: Men are straightforward creatures, because they've got too-thick skulls. Must zhi-jie tell them, then they will know.

Rawr. But sometimes it's nice for them to guess, and then us girls can do our "act-surprised" act.

Stupidity and Selfishness

You stupid girl.

Why do you expect so much, when your first line of defense against heartache is "Don't expect too much"?

You stupid girl.

It's so ironic that society today teaches us to expect more of ourselves, and then here she is, trying her best to not expect so much from her relationship, so that she won't scare him away, or kill herself in the process.

You stupid girl.

And she was the one who said that "this one will be my last. If it doesn't work out, then no more. I can't take the heartache."

You stupid girl.

Why let yourself suffer so much?

You stupid girl.

Why tear and scream silently when he doesn't see or hear you?

You stupid girl.

Because I don't want to let him know how much it hurts. I'm disappointed, yes, but it's only because I expected too much from him. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much. I can't expect too much.

Maybe after chanting that I'll remember that I can't expect too much from a relationship, or else I'll end up hurting myself and him again.

I always hurt those who love me. Maybe it's an assumption, but at least I know I always hurt those close to me.

You stupid girl.

Blinded by Love

Once, there was a blind girl. No one liked her very much. No one except her boyfriend. And she loved him back so much, she would always tell him, "I would marry you, if I had my sight."

One day, the girl got a donation of a pair of eyes. After the operation and recovery, she gained full sight and opened her eyes, only to find that her boyfriend was blind. He then asked her, "Will you marry me now?"

Now, that's all lovey-dovey because I HOPE you know that it was the boyfriend who donated his eyes to her. However, you should have read the first paragraph and known that the girl was a shallow bitch.

Here's the ending of the story:
The girl rejected him on the spot, and the guy stood there as she walked away. Heartbroken, he said softly, "Then take good care of my eyes for me."

I kinda feel like the shallow bitch in this story. But I'm glad for what's been going on around me, especially with Baby around.

Happy Valentines Day, Baby.

Funny huh, I last time never celebrate V day simply because no one celebrate with me (if got bf, bf busy, or else no bf or else all cbf..). But now when I got someone I really love and cherish..We don't know how to celebrate it.

MX15 Alienware

It's at least 1.5k T.T - That's the US price. Of course, I get to do more customization. I especially like the laser-engraving thing.

The SG price is about 1.7k. Lesser customization =/

The XPS is so much more expensive =/

No Expressions

My tears don't fall
They crashed around me.
Steadily they poured
2 hours through the night

I can only remember that fateful night, and I realise no matter how strong I make myself out to be, I still feel the pain as if it happened, as if it was happening over again. And I realise that I still haven't gotten over it. The pain still lingers, the rain of tears continues.

Won't you listen to what I'm really trying to say?
My tears are filling up my glasses.
No expressions, no expressions.

If I were to leave you today, would you passively accept it, berating yourself, blaming yourself? Or would you come back to me and maybe, once and for all tell me what I really want to hear?

Set the person you love free.
If he comes back to you
Then it's meant to be.

I wish you were here, but at the same time, I know that I can't be too possessive, that I must let you enjoy yourself with your friends as well. It's the latter that's killing me. I don't want to hold you back - indeed, I can't be too restrictive.

And those times when I was sick, I am grateful that you sent me home, but being the stupid, selfish girl that I am, I kept wishing so hard, so very hard that you'd stay and accompany me, even when I fall asleep - because that's what I really wanted. To fall asleep knowing that you're there. Maybe, to you, it was a waste of time, but either way, it broke my heart, because I don't want to hold you back, but I don't want to let you go too, sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm standing outside, behind a glass window, watching you live your life. And you know what? The funny thing is: I'm actually somewhat glad to be like a guardian angel for you, to watch over you, to protect you, to love you. Maybe I'm not supposed to love anyone forever, but I'm here on this Earth to care and love someone for an interval of time, to show him what it means to love, so that he can truly love the one that's destined to be with him.

But baby, I want you to know, that I would never forget you.

I don’t even know where it’ll end up, but I’ll send you my love and trust that it will reach you - Realize by Nami Tamaki