...angry at herself for leaving her heart so open. What is love? How can one so jaded, so weary know love again? But he..he showed her what love was, and slowly she opened her heart, hoping..hoping to love again. And then he plunged the dagger into her heart, and it was so painful, so very painful. A fresh scar to join the many other scabbed-over ones. Will she love again? Can she bear to open her heart again? Yet she knows she will, because she is stupid and crazy...And people do crazy things when they are in love."

~

"I didn't want to discuss this on the bus because I was scared that if you became emotional, you would run blindly across the road or something and get knocked down"

and a lot of other stuff.

Experiments.

Love.

"I hate you. Go away"

"I'm on my knees..and I'll stay here till you're okay"

~

"I know you're tired.."

If you know I'm tired, why did you insist on taking the bus all the way to the last stop and then taking the long route to my house?

~

"I don't know when I want to see you again."

"I understand."
...
...
...
"When can I see you again?"

"Whenever you feel like it, okay?....I'm here for you."

~

A lot of tears were shed. And words.

~

Grinding my teeth so hard now when I'm talking to him on MSN. Hurts, but the pain reminds me that I'm still alive.

6th month anniversary. I gave him a shirt and a bag. And, I was subjected to...kindly put, a test of endurance.

I don't know what to feel. I don't know what to say.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. And when I mean long..

When I heard him laugh while he was telling me he had it planned all the while, my heart shattered, and for a moment, I felt thrust back in time, when Greenapples and Rusco had hurt me. The two combined into a haze of red and black agony, and his laughter hurt me so badly, I wanted to go home and just..lie down..and maybe die.

I haven't felt so hurt, so pained in a very long time.

Maybe because I opened my heart to him, and the blow was so unexpected.

~

Fires to flames
Dust to ash
Everyone will burn like a pile of trash
But from these ashes
New life grows
And for this new life
A single red rose.

Dusty!

So like, I haven't posted in a while.

6th month is coming up. Kinda..feel queer, since I haven't seen him for a few days now. Lol..kinda reminds me of the bride and groom thing - dunno what, cannot see each other for how long before the wedding day something ._."

Anyway, like, had a few good days with Wangan. Namely when Dare came to SG (video in the sidebar)..well, we had Crazy 4-way (always the case when TCS is around, no?) and all-Supra battle (Ultimate Happiness!) XD.... and more recently, Winter and I were sian of waiting for machines at DBG, so we went to Cineleisure - yes, I wouldn't usually go there because of CERTAIN ppl but..I couldn't see myself spending moolah (no money at that time) changing tokens when I had credit in my TZ card - and had a great time. Met up with TITAN..LTNS, and we played quite a bit.

The little kid (PCR..something) was being so damn disiao. Tell me to step boost off, and when I say "boost off can. you come near me I will slam you"..he never stepped boost off liao. I was so pissed, I said very loudly to Winter "some ppl think that having many stars means the boost very high. SORRY UH, I don't rely on my boost to win" after which I switched to using Zals-kun's Supra, and still won the kid. "See, 100 stars only, still can win. PROOF!"

I was so pissed though, so I went back to my own GDB-F. Earned quite a number of stars (the kid kept playing Hakone as if it was his best map sia. Kaoz..yeah sure he won a few times coz Titan kept slamming me also but when Winter came in it was sure win for either one of us)..almost an entire row. Tsk tsk. Ahh well. He stopped for a while, trying to take the crowns (in which I took down C1 easily and kept trying to run a proper line) and then came back to play. Halfway through his earlier games, he was calling a friend "where are you? Come back Cine leh" LOL..

tsk tsk..kids these days too rich liao. Must really say karm-sia to him for the 20 stars or so.

Is it a good thing?

Dare came to SG =) Had a great time showing him around...Just really tired, and had pains in my feet coz of the walking around.

Felt a stab of jealousy when we went to Arcadia. I don't think it was good of me, so I just laughed it off. But after a while of thinking, it comes back to haunt me X(

lolwut

So we were like discussing when the 'officially, we are bf-gf' date is.

Well, it's good to know then. =)

Do I deserve him?

I haven't asked myself this question in a long time..heck, not seriously ever anyway.

So like, I realised that after 5 months of being with JQ, it's like, he's always being so nice to me and giving in to me all the time. I feel really happy and like, floaty *rolls eyes* coz yeah well, I haven't met any guy who well, has tried NOT to take/has NOT taken advantage of my nature. (LOL JQ POINTED OUT THIS MISTAKE. SORRY DARLING. PATSPATS)

JQ has ALWAYS been there for me, he always takes care of me (while I abuse him by calling him names X( SORRY X( ) and well, overall I think he's a steal. He doesn't seem to want much of me - just wants me to improve myself, slim down, eat healthily etc. He wants the best for me.

So..on the way home just now, a thought just struck me: Do I deserve him?

*recalls her list of 10 things that must be fulfilled* Can I love him more than he loves me? I really don't know.

I feel that I express love through actions and money (unfortunately, yes) - they go hand-in-hand anyway. But never words. I can't bring myself to say those 3 words to him, maybe because..it's too early to declare anything, and..*dies a little* I just..

T.T

Sunday!

So what happened today was like, pretty good.

Morning went church. After church go to Clementi - missed my usual stop coz I suddenly fell asleep thinking that the jam would take a long time to clear. So..bo bian, walk all the way from the interchange to CityVibe.

Had LJS for brunch. It was kinda heavy =/ So I won't say what I ate. Except that, I feel that now they are promoting clam chowder (now 5oz at 1SGD) for the school break..the clam chowder isn't good. Totally no clams at all (ate it a 2nd time after the >O*F< and WSM match)

After eating, went up to play LAN. Had 1 very good game. It was just like, warm-up. Quite awesome XD

Saw that it was about 2pm liao, so I went out to the arcade to meet up with the ppl playing the match. I quite like it how Ahmen just pays out of his own pocket for the OF ppl playing the match. I think that's..quite nice la. IDK how to describe.

Watched them play. Kinda disappointing, but IDK. Maybe it was for the better?

After that, I got an extremely late birthday present XD And then went back to LJS to talk to Zals and Anna-chan. Had a 2nd cup of clam chowder - turned out that the more I drank/ate, the more sour it got =/

Went up back to the arcade with them (my god, the lanshop was packed full..) and spent about an hour watching them train, and did some TA for myself. Disappointed that I kinda lost feeling for my car, but I broke into a high '52 for the Supra. Some turns just not for me today =.="

After that, finally got a seat at the lanshop. Had a few games..I think it was awesome that I played with the Jap players (for the 2nd last match) coz they were really good sport, and while they couldn't speak English properly, I could bond well with them. Like most of our 3+1s worked (I landed on the smoker's one coz my mouse kept going haywire), and when I was boomer, they would patiently wait for me and not rush me. And if they saw I had problems, they would straightaway go in for me XD Really nice! And they would tell me stuff like "Brrruja, attack..witch" - one attack with the witch was all we needed to win the Terminal map XD And it just started for them only =.=" It was actually my mistake la. I spawned early to destroy doors, then I was trying to find a suitable spot to scratch the witch from, then I tio block by the witch as I was going past, and they shot at me, then the witch run after them. Woot XD

At the construction site (DA3), we'd kill one (the one who couldn't join them fast enough when they dropped down to hide underneath the pipe for the crescendo event. Then 3 left, and boomer went. I remember that there was one left standing, and he had like one hunter's scratch worth of health left. My teammates missed a pounce..so I just spawn and run and scratch while he was reviving one guy. Yey win.

And they don't kpkb me about my binded keys XD

After that, last match of the day, I was just playing with some ppl in the lanshop to cool down. I think I did some pretty okay Smoker work (DT3, when the survivors are crossing the train top to get to the long road to the house before the ambulance before the church). Kept them there for a long time. But as Survivors, kinda sucked. Teammates all split up, and the witch didn't help.

Then I was acting gay with the survivors at the end, and one of them tried to jio me. LOLX. Lucky I know where they sitting, then when they left, I saw the 3 of them..the egg guy quite cute. Had a bit of an angmoh look. XD And I heard him saying "Haha I was the last one alive" and he was staring at me. Too bad I never give the "hehe..I know who you are" look.

For the last match, I think I had some blind (literally) luck being tank at the finale..although my dimwit partner put all my hard work to waste I stood very very far from the house (near the fireplace area, and the smaller shack) and threw rocks through the trees. Woot. 4/6 hits. Then...my partner (it was 2v4) got control of the tank (they started chasing me..they had 3 molos too =.=) and then just rushed in =.="


Ahh. Good day. I think this rush will keep till Thursday. XD

Oh wow.

I haven't updated in a long time.

Right.

About a couple of weeks ago, I nearly passed out on the bus - idk if it was the heat or whatever, but nearly passed out. Lucky JQ was around (kinda..wished he asked better questions though =/ ) to keep me from passing out. The feeling is NOT nice. You feel heavy, and there's this white noise in your ears that block out all noise (and turns voices into some dreamy kind of thing); your legs go jelly and, next thing you know, you can't open your eyes.

Maybe I was fighting so hard to not lose consciousness, and JQ was there to talk me out of it. But he said that I was in a cold sweat after everything (we got off the bus and cancelled all plans)

After that, started to eat properly, and then well, I miss L4D. Once a week of L4D just doesn't cut it coz..skill level drops all that. I feel that I'm not as fast in covering as last time anymore.

School's going fine. Wangan's going fine too. I think I've splurged on Wangan for the past few weeks. No more! Limit to every Saturday >.<

Gaming club too.

Today going out with Karen to get Sticky! Yey! After that, going to school, then to DBG, then to Paradiz. Lol. Ahhhh..

Sick and Raining

Well, I'm sick and it's raining out.

At least, I'm getting work done. =)

X(

Why is G dissing J again?

I don't know. I just feel he's insecure, and wants to win me over.

But what if there's some truth in G's words?

What if..it happens again?

Tell me the truth now. Don't play with my heart. I can't take another trap.

Distant..distance. Oh god. T.T emo again. Why?

My fall will be for you, my love will be in you. If you be the one to cut me, so I'll bleed forever

Fixed!

Got the straps fixed. Pretty good yeah. Haven't tested it out, but will be testing it tomorrow.

Tomorrow kinda like a messed up day. Will be at Vivace from morning till mid-afternoon, then gtg rush to print my stuff (fixing the colours and lettering NOW) and then run off to Suntec to meet Kaz, Bryan and CK.

Will be bringing the bag around as a test XD

Hope everything will go well tomorrow.

I'm glad for the day spent in Baby's company. It seems that in the future it'll be hard for us to get together, coz he'll be busy with work, and me with school X(

And crap la, I didn't manage to get to gym =.=