The things which I couldn't put into words - it's simply because I'm too proud, too scared to have my pride (and heart) wounded again.
It's really quite sad. To quote that Westlife song..."Fear of rejection kept my love inside; but time is running out, so damn my foolish pride".
I fear rejection, and being hurt. Like I think you mentioned before, my pain threshold is very low. Either way, I didn't want to tell you some things simply because I felt they made me very vulnerable. It's like we're in a swordfight with wooden swords - we know they won't kill, but we leave no opening for which to bruise each other. But I felt that if I said those stuffs, I'd be vulnerable, not to being killed, but to being hurt.
And what could hurt more than being alive to feel the hurt, the pain? At least if I died, it would have been over in an instant.
Or maybe it's coz I'm scared of your reaction. There's still a lot of things I don't know about you. And the future is so uncertain between the both of us - even though outsiders may say otherwise, I'm fearful of committing so much, so fast, so naively like in my past.
And no offense, but once bitten, twice shy: What if you're into me just for the. What if I'm just some..thing.. .
I know it certainly doesn't feel that way. And you seem sincere enough. But ever since then, I've had this issue with trust, and it makes me crazy. It makes me crazy-mad, because my heart tells me to <3, but the suspicious-paranoid part of me tells me to be careful, and that I should not commit anything.
They say that love is just a game. But why, why does it have to be? (No offense to my jiemeis here) Yes, maybe in the 'courtship' process it's meant to be like a game. Maybe this is what I need to learn about courtship - the chase.
It won't be easy, baby, and I'm sorry. I won't make a move till you've made yours, I've made up my mind, as much as it breaks my heart to do so. And remember, I'm an impatient girl, but I won't give up love for money, or material stuff.
~
I'm really glad - you don't mind me writing to you. It's so much easier to organize my thoughts this way.
I won't reveal what will hurt me most here - 'tis ever thus.
